She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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