totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
