Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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