Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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