If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
