I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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