My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
