he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
