I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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