I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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