i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
