I wish I only lived at night.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
