Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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