GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
