dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Welp...herpes.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
