We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
