TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.ā€¯ \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
