Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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