We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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