Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
