OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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