"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
