so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
