Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
this beer tastes like vomit already
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
