I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
