Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
