i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
