So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
