Hey man sorry I got all grabby
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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