I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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