I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I want to be your penis for a week.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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