im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You took a bar mat shot.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
