Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
