Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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