his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
