So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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