i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Randomize
