i'm signing you up for texting rehab
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
