I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
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