what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
