I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
