I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
