turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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