There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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