This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
