she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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