I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
