he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
