just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
