Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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