One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
