if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
