I think my vagina is haunted
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
false alarm. still invincible.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
