just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
