'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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