my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
