apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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