I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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