you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
